Just Want To Get This Off My Chest

Sometimes there's so much I want to say, but I can't find the courage to say it. I don't want to feel like a burden. Do you get what I mean? People tend to over-think things and I'm one of them. I think about a lot of things when I'm alone. Things like 'Do I look ok?', 'Will people jugde me if I do this?', 'Why did i say that?', 'I am so stupid', 'Did I hurt someone with my words?', 'They surely find me bothersome' and the list goes on.

I'm pretty sure many of us will think things along those lines and no matter how hard we tried, it will stay in our minds. And now the thought that stayed in my mind for these past few weeks or even months is 'Why? Why did I act that way?'. To be honest, even after a long period of thinking about it, I still do not know why. I liked him. I pushed him away. We're no longer talking. Told myself like all the other times, I would not regret it. And guess what, I did. Because this happens all the time, I like to comfort myself by convincing myself that it is like a 'curse' that I have. I will always end up liking the guy after they stopped liking me. When that happens, I'll tell myself, 'You know what, we are just not meant to be. If he had liked me enough, he would have stayed long enough for me to start liking him!' That's how I run away from the truth, the truth where the problem lies with me. It's not really that I only liked them after they stopped, damn, I even liked the guy first in some cases, but it is the insecurities and my ego that stopped me from admitting that I liked them. I always tend to think like 'I'm not even pretty, don't have a beautiful heart, why do they like me?'. I will then come to the conclusion, it is because I'm like a easy target. Girls who are pretty and kind and everything, they are always either attached or have a lot of suitors. Going after a plain jane like me will seem like there will be lesser problems. I'm not pretty both inside and outside, I talk too much, I act retarded some times, I am boring, I have high expectations etc. all these thoughts makes me think if the guy really likes me for me, or do they want something else from me. What if I had admitted that I like them, but later find out that they don't genuinely like me, then I would only be the one ending up hurt. I don't want to be hurt. That's the issue, I do not trust them enough to admit I like them.

Another thing would be I always expect guys to make the first move. I know many people out there would say, 'Come on! It is already the 21st century. Girls should also take the initiative when it comes to these kind of things! Where is the equality you guys always speak of?!' But let's be honest here, if a girl really made the first move, the guys will most probably label her as weird and desperate. That's society or that could be just my misunderstanding. I would say even if I want to take the initiative, I don't have the courage to. I am a coward. I'm afraid of rejection. That's also probably the reason why I do not say hi to people I know. Harsh isn't it?

Anyway, the main point of this post is, I had yet again pushed a nice guy away, and am regretting it.Told myself I wouldn't but I am. We stopped talking and it was my fault. I made it seem like it's that guy's fault and I felt so bad about that. He misunderstood what I said but I would never be brave enough to clear it up cause I'm afraid that it's all just one sided. He isn't that affected as I am. He gave me the feeling like I was a burden and I hated it. When we talked, he could take hours to reply, I get that he might be busy but.. I didn't see it that way, it felt more like he was ignoring me. Again, I felt like a burden, someone annoying and irritating. And I hated it. So, I pushed him away. I make it seem like it wasn't going to work out, that I just don't like him that way but in reality, it was the opposite. I hurt him, I could tell but I rather be the bad guy than get hurt.

Now, as time passes, the more I started to regret it. I want to talk to him to apologize and clear up the air but I don't have to guts to. I thought I was brave but seems like I'm not brave enough for the rejection and humiliation I might face. All I ever wanted to say was...

Friends

Have you guys ever wonder how many people you are 'friends' with, are really your friends? 

Well, for me, sometimes I'm just not too sure.. I love making friends but I'm don't think everyone thinks the same way... Some people just give me the impression that they don't really want to be friends with me, they are only friends with me for the sake of it or it's like they have other motives. And by other motives, I mean like they want something from me (like asking me for help or making me do their work etc.). Since we are living in such a cruel world, I doubt that is a surprise. People always tend to make use of one another. That's how we survive in this f***ed up world right? We build shallow and sometimes fake relationship. People come and go...

As I grow older (FYI, I'm not very old), the more I envy kids. They live in such an innocent world where making friends seem so sincere and all! And their smiles are always genuine. They hold no judgement and all... 

Hold on a moment.. Even kids nowadays start judging other kids cause of various reasons.. Sigh.. This world is just becoming more and more complicated, tougher and tougher to live in due to all the discrimination and judgemental people... 

Can't we all just be friends? Sincerely and genuinely all be friends? Without all the discrimination and the judgment and the dislike and the hatred... 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm all alone without people who genuinely care for me... 

After About Two Years...

So as it can been seen on the title, it has been about two years since I have posted anything on here. Well, the reason why I had created this blog in the first place was because I wanted a place where I can say (in this case write) whatever I want or am feeling, without actually voicing out to people (I'm lazy like that sometimes). So to summarize it, it's a place for me to rant or b**** about people without much people knowing. Hahahaha!

Well, since it has been such a long time, this only means I had been living a happy life so far without anything major that had affected me so much till the extent I had to vent it out! And if you think that something bad must have happened recently and that's why I am here writing, then YOU'RE WRONG! COMPLETELY WRONG (or not... depends on how you see it)!

Anyhow, the reason why I had decided to write today is because I realized how ironic I can be. Like everyone else, I tend to say one thing and then do the other. What made me really feel bad is that I would always ask people to be honest and tell me directly if I ever offend them or make them unhappy in one way or another and in return, I would do the same. I really like it when people are just plain honest with me, and even though I find it hard to accept some of the comments or opinions they have, I will still try and listen to it (ok, maybe not as I will always end up complaining about it) because I genuinely want to know how they really feel. I'm no psychic and I don't want to spend all day thinking (I don't have much brain cells to begin with) if I had just offended somebody unknowingly and feel all miserable and sad and blah blah blah... And then all the drama and misunderstandings...

But something happened today and it made me realized that I didn't (or more like couldn't) do as I said I would, which practically just made me a lying, two-faced b****. I mean, come on, sometimes it is just easier said than done. I can be all honest with someone when someone had done something that I find it weird or it had offended me or for another other weird reasons, but I do not want to hurt someone's feeling. I'm mean, but not THAT MEAN. I do not need someone talking bad about me behind my back when I was just being plain honest with them. Trust me, that feeling s**ks because I had already been through that. Although I really want to be honest with them, I'm still afraid of being judged. Well, many of you would say that it's best to keep your opinion to yourself in these cases , and let's just say you're so talkative to the extend you wouldn't be able to keep it to yourself, you have to tell someone right? Righttt??? I'm like that. So I'll somehow would end up telling some other people and it automatically becomes the situation where I am bad-mouthing about that someone! Then those people that I had talked to would notice this notice that and slowly but surely, that person who was once our topic would get ignored and pushed away and that person would be hurt cause he/she had just lost his/her friends for reasons they do not know of... That does not solve the problem, like at all! I might as well had went up to that person and said 'I don't wanna be your friend anymore!' and stormed away, if that was what I wanted. All I want is to get what I'm feeling out of my system and possibly see if anything can be done (to stop myself from being irritated with them) but I do not want to hurt their feelings (truth hurts) because I still want them as my friends!

Sighhh... I don't want to be an hypocrite! 

How can I be honest with someone and not hurt them? I guess that's one of the questions I would never be able to answer to.

What's Wrong?

I'm just being stupid i guess. I seriously thought I had put it all behind me. Talk as if I’m all okie dokie with it. But right now, really thinking about it, I would like to ask myself if I’m really all ok with it. If I’m really as good as what I'm showing, then a simple thing involving you shouldn't have affected me. Somehow, everything is not as it seems. I have not really got over the fact that we are no longer friends. Is it really true that I’m just acting alright when I'm not? Seriously! Just get out of my mind already, since nothing gonna work out.

New Something?

guess this is where i start again. created this just so i can rant about stuffs i find it hard to tell other people, or something along the line. basically, i'm just plain lazy to customize this whole thing, so i guess i'll just work with what's given to me.

there's really nothing to post now so i guess this is something like a testing post? ok, that's just lame...