I'm pretty sure many of us will think things along those lines and no matter how hard we tried, it will stay in our minds. And now the thought that stayed in my mind for these past few weeks or even months is 'Why? Why did I act that way?'. To be honest, even after a long period of thinking about it, I still do not know why. I liked him. I pushed him away. We're no longer talking. Told myself like all the other times, I would not regret it. And guess what, I did. Because this happens all the time, I like to comfort myself by convincing myself that it is like a 'curse' that I have. I will always end up liking the guy after they stopped liking me. When that happens, I'll tell myself, 'You know what, we are just not meant to be. If he had liked me enough, he would have stayed long enough for me to start liking him!' That's how I run away from the truth, the truth where the problem lies with me. It's not really that I only liked them after they stopped, damn, I even liked the guy first in some cases, but it is the insecurities and my ego that stopped me from admitting that I liked them. I always tend to think like 'I'm not even pretty, don't have a beautiful heart, why do they like me?'. I will then come to the conclusion, it is because I'm like a easy target. Girls who are pretty and kind and everything, they are always either attached or have a lot of suitors. Going after a plain jane like me will seem like there will be lesser problems. I'm not pretty both inside and outside, I talk too much, I act retarded some times, I am boring, I have high expectations etc. all these thoughts makes me think if the guy really likes me for me, or do they want something else from me. What if I had admitted that I like them, but later find out that they don't genuinely like me, then I would only be the one ending up hurt. I don't want to be hurt. That's the issue, I do not trust them enough to admit I like them.
Another thing would be I always expect guys to make the first move. I know many people out there would say, 'Come on! It is already the 21st century. Girls should also take the initiative when it comes to these kind of things! Where is the equality you guys always speak of?!' But let's be honest here, if a girl really made the first move, the guys will most probably label her as weird and desperate. That's society or that could be just my misunderstanding. I would say even if I want to take the initiative, I don't have the courage to. I am a coward. I'm afraid of rejection. That's also probably the reason why I do not say hi to people I know. Harsh isn't it?
Anyway, the main point of this post is, I had yet again pushed a nice guy away, and am regretting it.Told myself I wouldn't but I am. We stopped talking and it was my fault. I made it seem like it's that guy's fault and I felt so bad about that. He misunderstood what I said but I would never be brave enough to clear it up cause I'm afraid that it's all just one sided. He isn't that affected as I am. He gave me the feeling like I was a burden and I hated it. When we talked, he could take hours to reply, I get that he might be busy but.. I didn't see it that way, it felt more like he was ignoring me. Again, I felt like a burden, someone annoying and irritating. And I hated it. So, I pushed him away. I make it seem like it wasn't going to work out, that I just don't like him that way but in reality, it was the opposite. I hurt him, I could tell but I rather be the bad guy than get hurt.
Now, as time passes, the more I started to regret it. I want to talk to him to apologize and clear up the air but I don't have to guts to. I thought I was brave but seems like I'm not brave enough for the rejection and humiliation I might face. All I ever wanted to say was...
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